Tonight, like so many other moms and dads around the world, I lit a candle.
We were married young. I was 19, he was almost 22. We were (are) SO in love. It didn't take long for us to find out we were expecting our first baby. We called EVERYONE. I'll never forget admiring the look on my husband's face as he was calling family to tell him the good news. He was glowing.
May 25, 2009. I woke up to some slight bleeding. I texted one of my mommy-friends to make sure it was normal, but since everything else felt fine I went about my day. We planned to head to the beach since it was Memorial Day and Adam was off from work. On the way out there, she texted me back "That's not normal, go to the hospital"
Almost like a switch was flipped with that message, the cramps hit. They came in waves...like contractions. Every few minutes I was rendered immobile with the worst pain I've ever felt. I remember curling up in the fetal position in the waiting room chair and just knowing our baby was gone. It was horrific.
Since we had already called everyone, we had to start making the calls again. They were not fun. My Daddy had sent a mass email out telling each family member what they would be to the new baby. Through cracking voice and rolling tears, I asked him to tell his side of the family for me. I couldn't take repeating the heartbreak over and over and over. It was the single worst day of my life.
We lost an estimated 4 pregnancies following that loss. There were positive tests 4 separate times, then a few days later the miscarriage process began all over again. As horrible as it seems, I tried not to get attached. There were times I didn't even take a test fearing the loss would come soon after. We will never know the real number, but the first caused enough pain for all of them. No woman should have to endure that pain, but 1 in 4 does.
My amazing fertility doctor ran every test possible. A year and a half later, the best answer she could come up with for the recurring spontaneous miscarriages was that the first baby we lost was significantly further along than the estimated 6 weeks and I should have been given a D & C. The remaining scar tissue prevented further embryos from properly implanting, so they were miscarried shortly after. It was a hard pill to swallow, but it made sense.
As for the cause of the first miscarriage... we will never know. It was explained to me that many times the mother's body recognizes chromosomal abnormalities in the developing baby and does not allow the pregnancy to progress further. I take comfort in the fact that our baby has a better "life" than we could have given her (or him...for some reason I always pictured her as a girl...even had a name picked out) here on earth. Many of these miscarriages happen before the mother even knows she is pregnant and therefore go unnoticed. As many as 10-25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage.
Our story is like so many others. My heart goes out to all mommies with Angel Babies. Even more to those who were able to see their sweet baby's face. You are not alone. I hope you can speak about your loss and find comfort in knowing that you will see your baby again. I'm glad that my Rainbow Babies have Guardian Angel Babies watching over them <3
